Motherhood has brought everything I’ve studied into a new light. It’s one thing to understand attachment from a scientific or theoretical perspective; it’s another to live it, moment by moment, with all the joys, challenges, and quiet triumphs it brings.
One book that has kept me company during this transition is Naomi Stadlen’s How Mothers Love: And How Relationships Are Born. It’s not a guidebook or a parenting manual. Instead, it’s a deeply empathetic exploration of motherhood as a relationship—one filled with subtle, unseen moments of love and connection.
I wanted to share a few insights from the book that have resonated with me, both as someone who studies attachment and as a new mother navigating this role.
Motherhood is often romanticised as a universal, selfless experience, but beneath this idealised image lies a rich and complex reality. Naomi Stadlen’s How Mothers Love: And How Relationships Are Born provides a deeply empathetic exploration of this reality, offering insight into the unseen emotional labour of mothers and the quiet strength they exhibit in building relationships with their children.
Stadlen’s work is unique in its approach—it is neither a parenting guide nor a theoretical textbook. Instead, it serves as a reflective companion, combining real-life anecdotes with psychological insight and existential philosophy. Her focus is on the relational and emotional aspects of motherhood, emphasising the subtle ways mothers express love, often without recognition.
As someone with a professional background in attachment, I find this book particularly illuminating. Each time I revisit it, I discover new themes and reflections that resonate differently, depending on where I am in my personal and professional life. In this article, I explore some of the key insights Stadlen offers while acknowledging that there is much more to uncover in future readings.
The Fallacy of Perfection
“Mothers are not trying to be perfect—they are trying to love, and that is infinitely more complex and more rewarding.”
One of the most liberating insights Stadlen shares is the idea that perfection in motherhood is both unattainable and misleading. Society often imposes unrealistic expectations on mothers, suggesting there is a “right way” to parent. This pursuit of perfection can misdirect a mother’s inner senses, pulling her away from the intuitive connection with her child.
Stadlen reframes the mother’s role as one of presence and adaptability rather than flawlessness. She encourages mothers to trust their instincts and focus on the unique bond they share with their child rather than striving for external validation.
Oneness and Separateness: The Journey of Attachment
“Between holding on and letting go, a mother learns that love is not about control—it is about trust.”
The journey from oneness to separateness is central to the mother-child relationship. In the early stages, a mother and child exist in a symbiotic relationship, where the boundaries between self and other are blurred. Over time, the child begins to individuate, developing a sense of autonomy.
Stadlen draws on both psychological and philosophical perspectives to explore this transition. She discusses the balance between nurturing (the Athenian approach) and fostering resilience and independence (the Spartan approach). Rather than prescribing one method, she highlights the importance of balance, allowing mothers to navigate this journey in a way that suits their unique relationship with their child.
Family Dynamics: Recognition and Misunderstandings
“Family is a web of relationships that mothers often find themselves weaving, even when others cannot see the threads.”
Stadlen dedicates a chapter to the complexities of family relationships, particularly the emotional labour mothers perform to maintain connections within extended families. Mothers often encounter unsolicited advice or a lack of recognition, especially from their partner’s family. While this can feel isolating, Stadlen suggests reframing these interactions as attempts at connection—however imperfect they may be.
Grandparents, for instance, may not always acknowledge the mother’s efforts but express their love for the child in their own way. Understanding these dynamics can help mothers focus on the relationships being built rather than the perceived lack of acknowledgement.
Exhaustion and Resilience
“When a mother feels most tired, her baby’s smile can light a fire of strength she didn’t know she had.”
Motherhood is exhausting, but Stadlen reveals the hidden strength mothers find in the smallest moments. A baby’s smile, the touch of their hand, or a shared giggle can reignite a mother’s energy in profound ways, even during times of deep fatigue. These moments, though fleeting, are deeply meaningful. They reflect the relational nature of motherhood, where love is built through everyday interactions rather than grand gestures.
The Role of Responsibility in Parenthood
“To a mother, the greatest legacy is not wealth or status—it is the love her children have for one another.”
Stadlen explores the deep sense of responsibility mothers feel toward their children. For many, giving up on themselves feels akin to giving up on their child—a path they cannot take. This responsibility extends to fostering sibling unity and ensuring that familial bonds remain strong, even beyond the mother’s physical presence.
The Value of Presence
“A mother’s presence is the most powerful gift she can offer—an unspoken promise of love and safety.”
Above all, Stadlen emphasises the profound importance of presence in motherhood. It is not about doing everything perfectly but about being emotionally and physically available to the child. This presence, even in its quietest moments, communicates love and security in ways that are often invisible to others.
A Companion Through Motherhood
Naomi Stadlen’s How Mothers Love is a deeply validating resource for mothers, particularly those who feel unseen in their daily labour of love. Her reflections highlight the emotional and relational complexities of motherhood, offering encouragement to mothers navigating the challenges of parenting.
As someone who has studied attachment and transitioned into motherhood away from family and familiar culture, this book has been an invaluable companion. It has offered solace during moments of isolation and has reminded me of the resilience and strength inherent in maternal love. While this article touches on some of Stadlen’s insights, there is much more to explore—each rereading brings new revelations, much like the evolving journey of motherhood itself.
